Duke Nukem Forever vs Shadow Warrior
Not much of a competition… But where does ol’ Duke stand?
Duke Nukem Forever (DNF) is, to quote Dr. Seuss’ classic, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, “an appalling dump-heap, overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable”. There is virtually nothing positive I can say about this game. It isn’t the worst game ever, but it is horrific considering the hype and development time put into the game. It isn’t incredibly broken, just a boring, long winded series of references to just about anything for no reason. Anything original in this game that isn’t merely a reference, is an appalling dump-heap. This game is just bad. So what better game to talk about in this series, where we try and find why an aspect of an inferior game that is welcomed over a well received game, than this heap?
The one area that DNF did excel in, could actually be used to compare to a great deal of FPS titles. But since there was a re-release of the original 3D Duke Nukem games and DNF is a weird sort of re-release as well, let’s compare it to a recent re-release; by the same company no less.
No one was breaking down the doors of stores and trampling people to get Shadow Warrior, but the few who bought the re-release seem to love it. I have nearly completed the PS4 version and have been loving every moment of it. There are a lot of humorous moments that have made me laugh quite a bit, especially with the fortune cookies. There is a cheesiness about the game, just the right amount of it. Since there is a sword, along with the guns, there is quite a lot of depth in the combat. There player is forced to heal, use stun attacks, alternate fire on guns for certain enemies. The environments are diverse and are changed quite often. These are all things that DNF attempted (aside from the fortune cookies and sword of course), but failed miserably.
Let’s ignore the fact that this game had a long and confusing development cycle. We will also ignore the hype and everything surrounding this game, especially the Duke Nukem name. We will pretend that DNF is just another boring rooty-tooty-point-and-shooty game, nothing more. What is so bad about this game?
The short version (since long-winded versions live all over the internet) is that there are details in all of the wrong places. The developers took the time to program playing with toilet paper, writing with markers, peeing in toilets, and all sorts of little things. I would normally praise this level of attention, had they programmed the fundamental game mechanics first. For example, every gun feels useless. They have a pathetic feedback system that doesn’t bring any joy to obliterating aliens. Fun guns are rather essential to FPS games. The system for holding weapons is pathetic. Many modern games have menus, weapon wheels, some type of interface to cycle through multiple weapons. The developers couldn’t figure it out, so they just said ‘screw it’, and gave you a couple of weapons instead. Large aspects of the game are just useless references to things that don’t matter, like the one referencing the infamous, Christian Bale, flip out. There is no development, commentary, jokes, just merely a reference. This continues to occur throughout the game (or at least the amount I suffered through). There is an incredible lack of polish that just makes rooty-tooty-point-and-shooty bad. Details are in all of the wrong places.
What could we possibly praise? What could this game possibly do that I would feel confident comparing it to so many other shooters with a similar, triumphant outcome?
That song. This is how a title screen should be done. I feel like this first impression is something that many games take for granted. Granted, in the case of DNF, it was a quickly ruined first impression. Modern games just don’t seem to care about their title theme song, which is contrasted by how many retro games have theme songs that people can remember so fondly. The reason this theme song may be so good is because it is a remnant of a retro game. While writing this, of the hundreds of modern games I have played, I can remember very few title screen songs, and would praise an even smaller amount from there. Which is certainly a shame. It is so weird to think that DNF got something right. Thank you Megadeath.
The title screen song is the only aspect that puts DNF above Shadow Warrior. The only thing. DNF really is a dump-heap. I am actually at a loss for words as to why DNF is so bad, so I consulted Intellisult to finish this review for me: “Duke Nukem Forever is an indescribably dissolute polisson and a catatonic mattress-soiling menace to, not only society, but all living creatures. ”